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more than 900,00 bitches! what did i tell you! the numbers dont lie!!! if you dont know i am talking about mr. west’s album. oh yeah who is fifty cent?  

 it’s 11:45 pm and i cant sleep. i need to study for my tests that i have coming up but i am not in the mood. i talked to my boyfriend today. this shit is hard. i am to emotional. why am i like this about him? i used to love em and leave em. not even love em more like. like em and leave they ass. now look at me. this is sad. i got a lot of shit going on. i need to get to get it together rather quickly.

my eyes are burning, i need to remember to take my contacts out tonight. i am high off donuts, yahoo, and apple juice.junk food. more like study aides for all the studying i am not doing.

so this weekend the dc crew is coming to town. we are going to party. OMG i forgot to call chuck back. OOOPS! moving on..sharita is trying to semi hook me up with one of moes friends. maybe for conversational purposes. yeah right, she told me again “dont put all your eggs in one basket”. she tells me that like everyday. but can you have a relationship and not have any guy friends? that may sound dumb and blondish but i dont know, can you?

if i have friends on the side, then whats the point of the relationship? my guy friends are never just friends. we either dated or they wouldnt hestitate to take advantage of me on a drunken night. maybe they would but not really. that bothers me. i hate when she says that. its like saying “girl get another one case that dosent work out” but what about faith in the relationship? i am kinda puzzled.  

it just occured to me that maybe i am so retarded when it comes to him because i am not going out with other guys. but i know me and if i was our relationship wouldnt be what it is. but hell what is it? i will think about that later. i’m on to something here. i never understood why girls acted the way they did and now i do. ewww i am one of them! gross! what the fu@k!!!!  you have to excuse me while i deal with this. i am this emotional mess and it sucks. i am being such a girl. damn what happened? when did i develop feelings?

 i have to make a grown up choice. either be one of them or go back to the old me. the old me was super. many men. but honestly, i didnt like that. i was unhappy. it was a complete cut and paste scenario. all the guys made one super good one. but it loses its luster after awhile and its not fun. plus its tiring. i mean who can successfully come up with all those outfits, hair, makeup, shoes, all the time its too much! and not to mention i did it all without a stylist! damn i was good……

having one is like just having HBO. thats youre only premium channel so it better have some damn good movies. same as marriage more on that later. speaking of which entourage is the bomb!

i just know that if i hang out with other guys, i will become secretive and i will never be around. my behavior would change completely and he would know. he’s like a oracle. i remember this one time at band camp….just kidding. like i was saying

i was hanging out with my ex for all the wrong reasons and he called(the boyfriend). so i couldnt answer. i had to call my mom to call him on three way. i was slick about it i waited about ten minutes and i told him that i was downstairs and didnt hear the phone.  i told him i was at my mom’s hanging out with the new baby and my brother (a bold face lie I havent even seen the kid yet and she is like six months old, i think). he was upset that i had to cancel but i told him i would see him in the morning. he said “okay, i love you and dont give my stuff away”. i said “What?” he said “dont give my stuff away”. i was like “okay whatever,” but what i was really thinking this dude is a fuckin mindreader. i cant get away with shit at least not with him.

 and i have never felt guilty before and i do when i am not being such a good girl in this relationship. i havent done anything that i cant tell him about but i rather not get “the look” from his light brown eyes. i told something once and he had such a look of disappointment, it hurt like hell too. i decided that i didnt want to ever see that look again.

he is working this weekend, ALL weekend. so i dont know what i will tell him just yet. suggestions anyone? 

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