not this again

i am soooo tired of this shit. i was supposed to see my man tonight and you already know what happened. or what didnt happen. i honestly dont think that out relationship will change until he gets another job. before i start complaining i must tell you about my day with him. he kept calling me on friday but i was to busy cheating. (more on that later). when i finally got home on saturday, i checked my messages and he had called me several times. but before i go on i need to back up a bit.

we were supposed to see each other on tuesday but he canceled because his son got sick. how convient. we rescheduled for thursday. i rushed out of class and changed in the bathroom at school, to go meet him. is this what i have been reduced to getting fabolous in a school bathroom? this is bullshit. but you know i did. I call him at 7:15 to tell him i’m on the way. before i called i checked and i saw that he didnt call, which meant we were still on. yeaaaah! i was so happy. this was the conversation.

SS: i’m on the way

B(boyfriend): didnt you get my message?

SS: what message?

B: i sent you message. baby i cant go.

SS: silence for a moment. why?

B:hello? baby, i have to go to dinner with my boss, we are on the way right now.

SS: silence. then laughter. (note: when i smile and laugh in a situation like this words can’t express how angry i am) so you cant go again? this is the second time this week.

B: i know baby, but what do you want me to do? work with me here. okay?

SS: fine.

B: baby, there is nothing that i can do, i will have to talk to you later.

i hang up. this dosent even dignify me having to say goodbye. i am so fuckin mad at this point. i havent seen him like 3 weeks, oh except for that one time when i went by his job and i was there like an hour. and i hate going to his job because he is all joby acting and its not the same. plus that bitch who wants to fuck him who is in desperate need of proactiv and a workout was there. so it dosent count. clearly.

so i call another friend and i was crying and screamin at the top of my lungs. plus my mac and christian dior makeup was getting ruined by all the tears. thats enough to cry about alone. i was crying because i was hurt and tired. i got tired of feeling unimportant and neglected. i had held so much in and it finally came out. my friend, was telling me to get it together and that maybe its not the right time for us to be together. at that moment i felt so hurt. i decided that i would call him back. i told him that after the dinner, we needed to meet because we had to talk in person. and i absolutely refuse to do it on the phone. he said tell me now and i said no, in person. he said just give me a preview.

i didnt know what i wanted to say. i simply explained that i was tired of this and i am extremely unhappy. i cant take it no more. he said i am so sorry and he understands but he had no choice. i said whatever, thanks for the pacifer, i would talk to him later, goodbye. 

i got to the gas station and he called again and he was trying to explain everything in 30 seconds while his boss was in the car. i told him that i was tired and i felt like he is a figment of my imagination. we dont do anything or see each other. i dont understand how we see and talk to each other everyday for three months and then go to nothing.  he said he was sorry and would call me after dinner.

well little ole me, i call my ex. for his privacy his name will be “Scott”. Scott and I have been through so much and i needed a lot of alcohol in a short period of time. it was thursday and applebees has $2.00 long island iced teas. i was gonna give ”Miss Kitty” up that night to someone who was not my man. Scott was my drinking buddy in my alcoholic days. we would drink, get on his motorcycle, have sex, and sleep. perfect relationship. until his wife called. like i said he is an ex.

i complained he said he wanted to go, if could get away from his girlfriend. whatever. i was ready to be drunk and semi-irresponsible. like jay-z said, “have affair act like an adult for once.”  i called chuck but he didnt answer, fucker! i called him because he was a shoe in, scott on the other hand is super flakey.

so scott, bullshitted me and kept calling me, but never got his act together. how you pass up alcohol and sex is beyond me. like i said he is flakey. i gave him a time limit of 10:00 pm anyway. if i didnt, he would have called at 11:30 pm saying “i am ready to go.” it my way or no way. that just as well cause i didnt need to cheat. my luck, the condom would have broke. and that is not a good look.

to my surprise, the boyfriend called back. i told him how i felt again and actually listened (again) he apologized and i did to. i never wanted to come off as being un-understanding,  but i had kinda snapped. we gushed and agreed to talk the next day.

i spent my day with me. i went to the movies and bought new shirts for work. chuck called and said lets hang out. i did. iwhen i got to his house. we drank(of course) and i checked my messages. the only one i had was from the boyfriend. it said and this is word for word

“Hey baby, i was just calling to tell you i love you”

how crunchy did i feel? not very. it warmed my heart but i didnt regret what i was doing because i wasnt do anything wrong. i mean, there i was getting ready to go with another outman and my man called to say he loved me. that was sweet, but i was hell bent on going out and not being by myself on a friday night. i am too cute for that shit. 

we went out had a ball (more on that later) when i woke up the next morning i felt like shit. i was sooo hungover. i checked my messages and the boyfriend called like four times. i felt bad. he said he wanted to take me out and the spend the night with me.  i went home and called him. i told him that i went out with sharita and ate bad oysters which made me sick. kinda true, i had one oyster. 

he asked me to come bring his food to his job. i really didnt want to. he works a long way from me and i was hung over and not in the mood. but you know me i went anyway. i got there and we ate. well he ate, i wasnt hungry. but i needed to eat to cure this hangover. he told me he thought i was drunk. didnt i tell you he was a mindreader. he asked me if i wanted to go anywhere, where would it be? i told him that chattahoocchee nature preserve. so he said, let’s go. we hopped in the car and took off. the ride over was so weird. he was extremely quiet. which made me nervous. i started thinking, is he going to pop the question?. i calmed down because i knew that he wouldnt. i asked him why was he so quiet and he said i am enjoying my time with you. he always knows what to say.

we get there and sit on a bench over looking the river. we talked and he was really affectionate. it was weird. i hadnt seen him or touched him in almost a month. i didnt know how to act. we spent hours talking and laughing. it was nice. we spent the whole day together. it was great. it had also been a long time since we had been out in public. before we didnt get a chance to really do things.

we agreed to go to dinner the next evening.

after a wild night (i am working on that post) he called me during the afternoon. it felt good to talk to him. he said that he enjoyed his day sleeping in. i told that he should continue to sleep in because he never gets a day off. he said no because he didnt want to hear my mouth. i told him no that he needed rest, it was okay but he had to tell me when he would see me before i would agree. he said today. and when i called him he said that we couldnt go.

now here we are. i am canceled on again. i am soo tired. i know i keep saying that but i am. i dont know what to do anymore. i know that it wont change until he changes jobs. i dont want to break up. i know that. but i cant take this either. just because he works a lot, do i have to stay at home? i am going out of my way to not put myself in positions to do damage to our relationship. but this isnt working for me. i have been going out of my way to be good and its getting me nowhere.

i honestly dont know what to do. part of me wants to wait patiently by and be supportive. the other part is saying fuck that! how am i in a long distance relationship and we live in the same city? saturday, we discussed my abandonment issues. he said  he would never leave me. that was good to hear but i still feel insecure about us. every guy i have been in a relationship with has either left me or we just fall apart. it hurts to be in love some one you cant, touch, etc. i feel like this is a test to see if i will make it or not. and right now its like im not making it. i decided a long time ago, that i wasnt going to give my heart away again. after the tears, hesistation, and fear, i did and here I am unhappy and in love.

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Tags: unhappy and in love

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